Hello, I’m a unicorn. He’s my all time favorite Marvel character. He’s the Merc With The Mouth, The Crimson Buffoon, the Wryest Wise-cracker of the Weapon X Program. He drinks pure liquid awesome for breakfast and washes it down with a side of Butt Kick and Murder Flakes (an essential part of every balanced breakfast). He’s the only one able to drive the voices in his head nuts. Everybody duck and cover! It’s DEADPOOL! Today, we shall look at his first appearance in New Mutants #98, written by Fabian Nicieza and drawn by… uh oh… Rob Liefeld. I briefly mentioned in the Cyber Force #1 review to google Rob Liefeld’s worst art. That’s because he was the face of an art style in the 1990’s where the male heroes would be drawn overly muscled to a point where you wonder how he could turn his head and the females were drawn with rubber spines that make their backs and hips jut out at odd angles. This comic isn’t gonna be very good, is it?
What? Who are you?
The yellow textbox in Deadpool’s head.
Well, why aren’t you with Deadpool? Why are you in italics instead of textbox form? And, most importantly, what are you doing in my review?
I got bored by him, we can’t have a textbox in a text review, now can we? And I felt like annoying someone and you were begging for it. Also, no, I’m not leaving until you’re done reviewing. Face it sweetheart, you’re stuck with me.
Oh, goody, goody gumdrops. Let’s just get this thing started. We open this comic with a pupiless guy grinning like a psychopath with his hands up like he’s about to strangle the reader. The weirdest thing is his hair, which can’t seem to decide whether it wants to go for the I Dream Of Genie ponytail or the Balding Lord Elrond look, so it just chose both.
Master, where are you? I want to grant your deathwish.
So, according to a yellow timestamp, he’s in a secluded room in a secluded chalet. I don’t know if that was an attempt at a joke or just really silly narration.
Hey! Don’t make fun of my cousin Timestamp like that, you jerk! He can’t control what he says!
Geez, sorry, but you have to admit that the narration is pretty silly.
Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Anyway, he’s talking to a guy called Adam, who I assume is his butler. According to Adam, our friend’s name is Gideon. We turn the page and it looks like Gideon is training by fighting a ton of robots and complaining that it isn’t much of a challenge. He tells off-panel Adam that he wants them quieter. He techno babbles a bit and beats all of the robots. He talks with Adam about his plans for the day. We also finally get a good look at this Adam, and — Hahahaha didn’t anyone tell him that the style of space suit he’s wearing went out of style in the sixties? As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, they talk about his plans for the day. He apparently is a business man and philanthropist.
Because when you think of respectable businessmen, you think of Genie McMurderface right there.
So we cut to Cable and a New Mutant named Cannonball. They are in a different secluded room in a secluded bunker in a secluded mansion. Is the writer just messing with us?
They banter a bit while Cable is trying to teach the kid to control his powers. The kid has an accent that I assume is southern, but can’t say for sure. They finish the exercise and and talk about the lack of team members. The way it’s drawn though, it looks like the kid is yelling at Cable about it for no reason instead having of a casual conversation. We move on to a not so secluded room in a not so secluded skyscraper.
Was that an attempt at a joke? Lame.
I’d like to see you do better.
Fine. So in this not so secluded building, a red haired hag in a dress three sizes smaller than the Grinch’s heart gives a fat guy in a suit his coffee. She gives an evil grin that I recognize from that psycho I call an ex girlfriend. It must’ve either been a coronary or poison in the coffee, probably both, that does the fat dude in, because in the next couple of panels, he croaks. How was that?
Rude, obnoxious, and eye roll worthy.
Are you kidding? Those four sentences were leagues better than every one of you stupid reviews combined.
You know what? I think I’m gonna stop talking to you.
Yeah right. You cannot resist the charm of the yellow textbox.
Lalalala… not listening.
What? Oh, for a second I thought I heard an annoying whisper, but it must have been my imagination.
Fine! Be that way! *Sniff* I just wanted to have some fun. I’m gonna go live on the streets now. Maybe go to prison, I hear that they’re really nice there. Well, nicer than you. Actually no, I’m off to the wilderness where I’ll probably freeze to death before the wolves get me. Not that you care.
*Sigh* Fine, you can help out with the review. Just don’t get in my way.
You know I probably will anyway right?
Of course, you are a part of Deadpool and it’s Deadpool’s nature to be as obnoxious as possible.
And you’ll still let me help? You know, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Don’t get too mushy on me. This is only for one review, right?
Riiiiiiight. Um, let’s get back to the review.
Textbox? Is there something you’re not telling me?
You know we really should be getting back to the review.
You’re not leaving after this review, are you?
No, I’m not. I can’t leave. No matter what you do, I can’t leave.
And why not?
I–I can’t tell you. Not yet. Please can we get back to the review.
We’ll talk about this later. Anyway, we cut to Boom-Boom and a guy named Rictor. He’s striking awkward bodybuilding poses and talking about rescuing a girl named Rahne. Boom-Boom thinks it’s suicide and he storms out. She wonders out loud what she’s gonna do and why she’s talking to herself.
It’s called an inner monologue sweetie. Learn how to use it. Also, why didn’t you point out Bart Simpson art-bombing Green Suit McMullet?
Not a peep out of you! I’m not very happy with you right now.
Yeah, yeah. As I was saying, we see Cable in a library when he’s suddenly attacked by…Deadpool. Finally. I was wondering when he’d show up.
His dialogue is pink. Why is it pink?
I don’t know, nor do I care. He’s finally here. Apparently, some bloke called Mr. Tolliver sent him to kill Cable. That, at least, is what he exposits to Cable while striking awkward poses. He’s about to kill him, when he’s attacked from behind by Cannonball. Deadpool knocks Cannonbal out of commission and Cable attacks him, breaking his jaw. Deadpool stabs Cable in the leg while still talking with a broken jaw. He’s about to land another finishing blow and is attacked by the rest of the New Mutants. He quickly puts one out of commission and the other two just stand there like idiots as Domino appears right out of nowhere and stabs him in the back. Apparently she managed to stab the black off of his costume because the design disappears for the rest of the issue. Domino and Cable flirt for a bit and, later, while they’re talking, Cable tells her that he mailed Deadpool back to Mr. Tolliver.
Wait. Is that it? Deadpool shows up, gets his butt kicked and is mailed away off panel? What a ripoff.
Yep. But remember, this is his first appearance, not his first issue. With all of the interchangeable mercenaries from the 1990’s no one could’ve predicted that his popularity would grow so much in the past few years. Anyway, we still have a little more comic to go over. I’ll make it quick. Rictor runs away to rescue Rahne from Genosha. Gideon creepily sneaks into a teenager named Roberto’s bedroom in order to tell him that his father has died of a heart attack.
Wait, he sneaks into a boy’s bedroom to tell him that his father died when a phone call or ringing the doorbell would’ve worked just as well? Well at least he and the teen weren’t shirtless or it would’ve been really creepy.
He and the teen were drawn shirtless.
Yikes. The creepy meter is over 9000.
Tell me about it. I don’t recommend this comic unless you are a hardcore Deapool fan and you are curious about his first appearance. The art is really bad and the story is confusing to anyone who hadn’t been reading the previous issues. Overall, don’t bother. Instead, I recommend Deadpool #1 and the rest of Joe Kelly’s run on the Deadpool series. It’s hilarious, sad, and he has a great understanding of the character during one of his more lucid times. They’re excellent stories about a man who wants desperately to become a hero and the price of his heroics. I also thought that Deadpool Team Up Volumes 1–3 were a lot of fun, as well as Dead Presidents. It’s Deadpool vs our greatest Presidents. How much more awesome can you get?
How about giant samurai robots fighting knights riding fire breathing dragons.
Okay, that is pretty awesome.
Wait, you’re talking to me again!
Yeah, you’re kinda growing on me.
Awww. You like me! You really like me!
Don’t push it. And as for you, dear reader, what are you waiting for? Read some Deadpool now!