I’m a Unicorn. As it says on my profile, I’m a fourteen year old upstart critic as well. This is my first official post, so let’s kick it off with a review of The Amazing Spider-man Issue #648. This is to get something out of the way really quickly. I HATE ‘ONE MORE DAY’! For anyone who isn’t a huge fan of comic books or Spider-man, One More Day is the comic where Spider-man makes a deal with the Mephisto (the Devil) in order to save Aunt May. The price is his marriage to Mary Jane Watson, a woman who he’d been married to for exactly 20 years in our time. It’s asinine and ruins twenty years of continuity. I’m just giving you the basic controversy here because I will probably reference it ad-nauseum. But why else am I bringing it up on this review?
This comic is post OMD, so we get to enjoy my rage at Carlie Cooper. Madame CC is Peter Parker’s new girlfriend, and a huge Mary Sue. The character is just trying too hard to be perfect for Peter. One of the great things about Peter and MJ’s marriage is that they were different. That’s not the case with Madame CC. They’re too similar, and it’s almost like someone was trying to prove how wrong MJ is for Peter by making a creepily perfect match. Okay, enough ranting, I haven’t even started the comic.
Our Comic opens with Spidey leading the Avengers against an attack by Dr. Octopus. Doc Ock is using giant metal Octopuses to trample New York. So all in all, a typical day in the Marvel Universe. It’s a pretty solid cold opening, showing Spidey bantering with the team members and the Fantastic Four, Mayor Jameson deals with the problem in his usual curmudgeonly way, and we see Jameson’s son get ready to fight. It’s all pretty solid until the Black Cat shows up. Don’t get me wrong, I love Felicia, but not as much as the artist loves ogling her. With the exception of talking out of her butt in one panel, the art here is pretty typical for a female superhero in this thankfully brief cameo. In later issues though, it shows that her spine must be made of rubber considering how she could show off both her breasts and butt at all times during a fight.
After they banter, Spidey gives one of his typical battle angst speeches about how much he loves his friends and family, and meets up with the rest of the team. We have a brief interlude with the Sinister Six discussing the bombs on the robo-octopusses. We cut back to the Avengers. Then Spidey farts. Half of the dialog on the panel is devoted to this. They made a fart joke with arguably the most iconic Marvel character. I’m just gonna let that sink in.
Spidey figures out that the bombs are hooked up to the clock and because of Daylight Saving’s time, they sinc up the clocks and have an extra hour to get the robo-octopuses away from the city. They save the day in a fairly clever plan. Kudos.
Then, this solid first half is ruined by Peter Parker whining about how he lost his job as a photographer over a bonehead move he’d made in a previous issue. He’d doctored photos in a misguided attempt to clear J Jonah Jameson’s name in a controversy that could’ve easily been resolved without his interference.
Peter is thrown out of his apartment so he goes around begging to crash at someone’s house. First he talks to a friend named Randy Robertson. They have an exchange where Randy reminds Peter that the last time they were room mates, he kept a piece of moldy cheese named Kevin in his refrigerator for a year. I’m not sure if this supposed to be funny or if the writer is actually criticizing Peter’s awful decision making. This is because, after he is turned down by his girlfriend, he goes to Flash Thompson, who turns him down, and later says to his girlfriend that Peter could’ve been great if he was more mature and could get past High School.
Then, in the next page, he goes to MJ and they laugh about moving in together. They mock the very thought of being married and it feels like a middle finger to every fan of the marriage. It sickens me even now just to look at that page. I’ll be right back after a shower. I suddenly feel very unclean.
Anyway, he finally breaks down and goes to Aunt May. Throughout this half of the issue Aunt May had been trying to set Peter up with a job at a laboratory. After a brief interlude that sets up events in a later issue, Peter goes in for an interview. He stops a rogue experiment and gets the job and an apartment. Well, whoop-de-freaking-do. The issue ends with the Kingpin hiring the Hobgoblin to work for him.
I don’t like this comic. Even ignoring the post OMD irks (which is very hard for me to do), it’s just not a very good comic. The art ranges from passable to bad and the characters are very annoying. Peter is so unlikable that I found myself rooting for the villains. And a part of what made him so unlikable is how freaking immature he is. He’s acting younger than me, and I don’t have a driver’s licence. You know you have it bad when even the characters comment on his inability to grow up. And I don’t mean this in a charming Peter Pan-esque way. Overall, read something else, or watch Spiderman 3. Yes, Emo Peter Parker is more likable than this jerk. I need something to cheer me up. Next post, we talk about a good comic.