Billy The Kid VS Dracula

Hello, I’m a unicorn.  Today, while I’m locked inside my house and trying to think of a way out, (see the end of the last post) I decided to look at something fun. And oh, boy, have got a couple of trick-or-treats.

Really? That’s the joke you’re going with?

What? I thought it cute, especially with Halloween coming up.

Kirin, seriously, that has to be the worst  attempt at a pun I’ve ever heard.

I’d like to see you come up with a better one.

Aren’t you supposed to be coming up with an escape plan?

I’m thinking, okay? Geez. Anyway, this has to be one of the strangest scenarios ever put to film. Billy the Kid VS Dracula was a western/horror hybrid made in 1966 and released along with it’s sister movie Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter, which I’ll get to next post.

The movie begins with a very fake looking bat attacking the daughter of a German couple. For the duration of this review I’m calling him not Dracula, because Dracula isn’t mentioned once into the movie. We get our first look at not Dracula when he swoops in and– GAH!

stevesomething.wordpress.com
His eyes stare into your soul.
stevesomething.wordpress.com

 

Geez. Get this guy some Visine. Not Dracula is frightened off when he sees that the daughter is holding a crucifix. He then hitches a ride on a stagecoach and meets the owner of the Double Bar-B Ranch. Her husband recently had died and she brought her brother in from the city to help out. The owner also tells him of her lovely daughter, Betty, who still lives on the Bar-B Ranch.

She’s A Bar-B girl, in a Bar-B ranch. Life’s fantastic, except for vampires.

And you say my jokes are bad. So, anyway, not Drac noms on a white person pretending to be Native American (it was a western from the ’60’s what do you expect?) and they kill all of the stagecoach passengers.

We then cut to Wimpy the Kid and his Bar-B girl.

She’s a Bar-B Girl, in a Bar–

No, Textbox, we are not doing that joke again!

Fine. I know when I’m not wanted!

Textbox, you’re so melodramatic. Anyway, one of Betty’s suitors isn’t so happy with Wimpy muscling in on the ranch. He especially isn’t happy that the two are planning to get hitched.  Not Drac arrives at the saloon and requests a room, taking the name of James Underhill. This saloon also just so happens to have the Germans from earlier. Wimpy comes to meet not Drac, thinking that he is Betty’s uncle. The Germans understandably freak out when they see not Drac, Because, I mean, just look at  him. This guy was born sinister. He tries to sooth their worries by offering them his room and staying with Betty. Yeah I’m sure that will work out just fine and–oh look their daughter is dead. What a shock.

So Wimpy rushes home, worried for his poor little Bar-B girl. But everything’s okay because not Drac hasn’t attacked her yet. We listen to another gooey dialogue about how much Wimpy would be miserable without her and didn’t the real Billy the Kid kill nine people? This is why I call him Wimpy the Kid. He went from a super tough outlaw to a boy-scouting puppy-lover. His wimpiness is further perpetuated by the beating he got from his rival. This, of course, leads us to my second favorite character, deus ex Grandma, who is much tougher than the hardened criminal. She is the only one with the book on vampires and the only one who can tell Wimpy how to test if not Drac is a vampire.

In the mean-time, the German couple was hired and the mother had been working to protect Betty from a blood-sucking fate. She is sent away when she’s caught in not Drac’s room. Not Drac also sends Wimpy away under the pretense of being angry about him being an outlaw. He sends Wimpy’s rival after him and the rival is killed in a shoot out. Wimpy returns to the ranch and finds that not Drac has already partially turned Betty into a vampire.  He takes her to deus ex Grandma who “doesn’t like it one bit.” The Marshall then shows up to arrest Wimpy. While the hardened criminal comes quietly with the Marshall, not Drac shows up to take away his future mate.

Wait, didn’t you say that he was pretending to be her uncle?

Yep.

Ew.

My sentiments exactly. Deus ex Grandma decide to try the mirror test on not Drac and when he’s caught, he makes an extremely dignified exit by hissing and half running, half skulking away with his bride. Deus ex Grandma decided that this won’t do and helps Wimpy break out of prison. Wimpy hurries to the mine where not Drac is completing his ritual to turn Betty into a vampire. He tries shooting at not Drac, but it fails miserably and Wimpy gets his butt kicked again. Deus ex Grandma and the Marshall arrive. The Marshall also empties his gun into not Drac. When that fails, get this, Wimpy throws the gun at not Drac and that knocked him off his feet. The vampire can take ten bullets without blinking, but his only weakness is an empty gun. That scene right there is worth the price of admission. Once not Drac is off of his feet, Billy sticks it to him.

Staked through the heart, and you’re too late. You give blood a bad name.

What is it with you and random song references today?

I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately ’cause I’m bored. When are you gonna stop thinking and we can get to the explodey stuff?

As soon as I come up with a plan. Anyway, the movie ends with not Drac aging to a skeleton and Wimpy the Kid riding off into the sunset with his Bar-B girl.

This movie is awesome in its stupidity. After all, what would you expect from a title like Billy the Kid vs Dracula? Billy is wimpy, deus ex Grandma is hilarious, and the whole idea is like a wild fever dream. The most enjoyable part of this movie is not Dracula, played by John Carradine, who actually plays an intimidating vampire, believe it or not. His performance is legitimately creepy. He put way too much effort into a movie about a gunslinger fighting vampires. This movie is one I’d definitely recommend to anyone looking for a good, campy movie, and I hope that Hollywood someday remakes this awesomely stupid idea or it at least gets a comic book adaptation.

“So you’re done with your review?”  Textbox asked.

“Yeah, pretty much. I just have to upload it,” Kirin replied, rereading her work.

“So, does the brilliant and enlightened Kirin have any idea how to get out of this mess?” Kirin rolled her eyes and opened a new tab in her windows.

“No. I got nothing. None of the phones work, the doors and windows are locked tight, and the glass on the windows won’t break. Believe me, it was made that way.”

“Why do you  need bullet proof windows anyway?”

“I have my reasons.”

“So, I”m stuck in the house with a  paranoid nut. Great,” Textbox muttered. Suddenly, there was a crash in the other room. “What was that?!” Textbox exclaimed.

“The poltergeist.”

“The what?”

“Poltergeist, a ghost that manifests itself by moving objects. At least, that’s what I assume it is. He’s trying to scare us,” Kirin explained, feigning her calm demeanor.  “Don’t panic. That’s what it wants us to do.” There was another crash downstairs. “We need to stay calm. Ignore it, and try to find a way out. It’s our best chance.” There was an edge in Kirin’s voice, as though she was reminding herself instead of talking to Textbox.

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