Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter

“LIAR!”

“Excuse me?”

“You lie. Nothing is safe and nothing will ever be safe again, contrary to whatever you have idiotically convinced yourself. You are trapped, pinned like a rat in the maw of a snake. And there is nothing you can do about it. It’s hopeless for you as well as this putrid place you call home.” Textbox screamed at her.

“Textbox, you’re having another Black Mirror episode. This isn’t you talking,” Kirin said as calmly as she could manage, but there was the slightest hint of unsteadiness in her voice.

You naive fool, this is the true me. You have just been blind to it–it–Kirin, what’s going on? Something strange is happening I–I–I’m now able to say what’s been on my mind for the past two months.”

“Textbox, fight this. You’re in control. This isn’t you,” Kirin said cooly. On the inside, though, fear trickled down her spine.

“Were you not listening? You pretentious teenager, believing you know everything about a medium before you are even able to drive. You’re arrogance will always lead to your downfall. You are a stupid little ant.”

“Are you done?” Kirin asked as calmly as she could. She kept her hands in her lap so that whatever had taken over Textbox couldn’t see them shaking.

“No, you idiot child.  Do you have any idea what it’s like? Day in and day out, all I hear about is comic books, movies and novels. Would you please just shut up for once?”

“You’re the only one talking.”

“Arrgh. And that sarcasm. Do you have any idea how unfunny you are?”

“Mr. Poltergeist, I’m glad you’ve made yourself known and all, but can I have the normal voice in my head back please? Sure, he was annoying, but at least he was pleasant. You really aren’t scaring me. Nice try though.” Kirin asked as nicely as she could.

That’s really cute, pretending that you aren’t afraid. You stink of fear. It emanates from every pore of your body. You try to behave like you’re infallible and unflappable, but there are forces out there that you cannot possibly begin to comprehend.”

“Okay, so I’m a little scared. What do you want?”

“Your weak mind cannot possibly comprehend what I want.” Kirin opened her mouth as though she was about to speak, but changed her mind. Instead, she opened a new post and started writing, and ignoring everything the creature  was yelling at her.

Hello, I’m a unicorn.  I already gave the tiniest smidge of background I could find in my last post, so let’s just jump right in.

You lazy fool. I doubt you even did all that much research in the first place. And your prose is horrible.

Shut up! Can’t you see I’m trying to write?

Can’t you see you’re a talent-less hack?

Can’t you see you’re just an obnoxious parrot on my shoulder? Any way, the movie begins during a dark and stormy night. The thunder is so loud, it just might wake the dead. The people of the town are fleeing except for one couple and their daughter, Juanita, because their son is sick and held prisoner in a local castle. Juanita returns from said castle angry, because they won’t let her see her brother.

We cut to Frankenstein’s castle, where his granddaughter is trying to raise the dead. Wait, granddaughter? I thought the title was Frankenstein’s daughter? Oh well, do you expect any less from Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter? She performs the experiment. And it’s alive, It’s ALIVE, IT’S…dead. But only because her brother (who, by the way, is thirty years older than her) poisons her test subject. Maria, the granddaughter  of Frankenstein realized that she needs a stronger human. And apparently her saying that she and her brother are safest in the old west is enough to elicit a dun..dun..dun!

We cut to a broke Jesse James and his friend, the dim-witted Hank. Hank is involved in a fight and wins, much to the chagrin of the other guy. He refuses to part with his precious money until Hank idiotically blurts out that it’s Jesse James, the wanted outlaw, he’s holding out on. If it isn’t somewhat obvious, Hank isn’t very smart. Jesse, on the other hand, is much more competent than Wimpy the Kid in my last post. He actually comes off as a threatening outlaw. He and Hank team up with a local gang in order to commit a high risk stagecoach robbery.

Unfortunately, there’s a dirty double crosser in the group. He’s a stinkin’ varmint by the name of Lonny who rats out Jesse and Hank to the sheriff. Lonny will be our Inspector Javert for the evening. Jesse and Hank escape, but Hank is shot. They come across Juanita, or Estelita as Wikipedia likes to call her. No, I don’t know why they use her name interchangeably. I’ve heard her be called Juanita, Estelita, and Rosalita. Feel free to call her your favorite name. EsteRosaJuanlita tells them that the only person who can save Hank is Maria Frankenstein, the person she and her family were fleeing from. Wow, Maria must be a great doctor, considering that she gets a glowing recommendation from the family of one of her victims.

They hightail it to Frankenstein’s castle and Maria finds Hank to be the perfect subject for her experiment. Jesse tells her that Hank was shot cleaning his gun, but anyone with a brain, even a synthetic one, would be able to tell how much of a lie that is. Pro-tip if you’re ever in the old west, if you’re don’t know that you shouldn’t point a gun at yourself, don’t use a gun!

I highly doubt you’d have that kind of common sense if you were in that position. You are so useless, you don’t know a sword from a knife.

All I need to know is fist plus face equals pain, so leave me alone.

Oooh, I’m so scared. What are you going to do? Punch something you can’t see?

Just. Shut. Up. Anyway, EsteRosaJuanlita suddenly changes her mind and tells Jesse not to trust Maria.  Both ladies, by the way, have fallen for Jesse. The recovering Hank and EsteRosaJuanlita have a two minute conversation, which mean that Hank is in love with her. After Jesse rejects Maria’s advances, she get super jealous of the woman known by many names and decides to get Jesse caught by the Sheriff. What is her brilliant plan you may ask? Send Jesse for some medicine, but instead of the prescription on the note it’s a note telling the doctor who Jesse really is. And, because Jesse is so dumb he doesn’t think to read the note, even after EsteRosaJuanlita warns him, it works. It’s not like Jesse can’t read either, we see him read it at the end of the scene, he’s just so rock stupid that the thought didn’t even occur to him. Lonny, our inspector Javert, is killed in the ensuing shootout, and the betrayed Jesse heads back to the castle.

Meanwhile, with Hank patched up, it is time for Maria to go through with her dastardly deeds.  She fills the glass jar holding the last of  Victor Frankenstein”s synthetic brain with sugar (at least I hope it’s sugar) and commences the experiment. It’s alive…It’s Alive…IT’S Alive!!! And, for some reason, now called Igor.  Maria finds out that her brother was trying to sabotage her experiments the whole time and has Hankgor kill him. This was all witnessed by EsteRosaJuanlita, who rushes off to warn Jesse.

Jesse, being and idiot, ignores her, and rushes to Maria’s mansion. And, what do you know, gets captured and needs to be rescued by the Sheriff and EsteRosaJuanlita. The Sheriff gets his pistol handed to him by Hankgor, but Jesse gets enough time to escape. After the Sheriff is knocked out, EsteRosaJuanlita and Jesse appeal to the old Hank. Hank remembers the two minute conversation he had with EsteRosaJuanlita and turns on Maria. After Maria is dead, Hankgor turns on the two. Jesse is forced to shoot him.

The movie ends at Hanks grave. I just love his tombstone, by the way. “Here lies Hank. He was Jesse James’s Friend.” When I die, I hope my tombstone reads “Kirin Licorne. She had Deadpool’s voice in her head.”

You won’t though. You’ll die scared and alone. No one would ever shed a tear for you.

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO? …Ahem… Anyway, EsteRosaJuanlita and Jesse kiss on top of Hank’s grave and Jesse rides off into the sunset with the Sheriff, presumably to fight off the wolf-man together.

There is an expression I like to use for movies like this and Billy the Kid vs Dracula. It’s cheesy, but the cheese is delicious. It’s goofy, campy, and nonsensical, but also lot’s of fun. This one has slightly better performances and a bigger story than Billy the Kid vs Dracula, so I guess one would say that this movie is the better movie. Either way, both are tons of fun to riff with friends or family. So what are you waiting for? Grab some popcorn and watch it now. Yee-Haw!

“You call that a review?”  the possessed Textbox yelled at Kirin. She rolled her eyes. This had gone too far. She wasn’t scared anymore, She was angry.

“What do you want? You must have some sort of life–er–afterlife besides insulting an Internet critic! Have you ever tried knitting?” she yelled back. For once, the creature didn’t reply. He’d gone too far, ending the girl’s fear and turning it into anger. It was time to try a different angle.

“Kirin? Is that you? Where are you? It’s dark here and cold. Help me Kirin! Help me!” the creature allowed Textbox to cry pathetically. This got her attention.

“Textbox?”

I don’t know where I am. It’s so cold here. Kirin, please, help me. I’m trapped,” the pathetic simpleton plead.

“Textbox, I’ll find a way to help you. Just keep talking,” Kirin yelled. As soon as the words left her mouth, her bed began to shake. Posters flew off of the walls and anything that wasn’t bolted down went flying across the room. Kirin took cover. Now was the time for the creature’s grand finale.

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October 20, 2013 · 9:47 pm

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