“Where am I?” Kirin muttered as she sat up. “And did anyone get the license of that demonic entity?” She was in a small, stark white room that had no furniture.
“Hey, Kirin! I was wondering when you’d get here,” a familiar voice exclaimed excitedly.
“Dumbledore? Is that you?” she asked.
“Wow, you must have really hit your head hard.”
“The one and only.”
“And you’re not possessed?”
“What happened? Am I dead?”
“Nah, just knocked out.”
“Okay, so, where am I? What was that thing? How come you’re free?” she asked.
“You are currently at the mercy of whatever’s been squatting in your house in the past week. This room is a dream. No, I don’t know what that thing is or how it has possessed me. And I’m not free yet. I need you to do that. The rest of your questions will be answered in this,” Textbox replied. A comic appeared right before Kirin’s eyes.
Hello, I’m a unicorn. So we’re back to another Tales of the TMNT. In this story, Donatello is visiting the Utrom home world with Professor Honeycutt, a scientist who, according to the 2003 series, accidentally had his brain implanted in a robot through magic lightning. They’re there to study ecosystems, but couldn’t pass up the chance for a joyride with their hosts. The group happens upon a distress signal in the middle of deep space. They go to investigate and find that the asteroid is inhabited by an old enemy of the Utroms. Or are they an enemy? Perhaps they are misunderstood. You’ll have to read to find out.
Overall, this is a pretty good read. The artwork is much better than a lot of the other tales books I’ve seen, and the story really creates a slasher movie-esque atmosphere. We also learn that the Utroms aren’t just the peace loving alien race. They, like humans, have quite a few skeletons in their closet. I really only have two criticisms. One, Donatello behaves out of character. He’s the good natured, quiet, intellectual type. He’s rarely as brash as he was in this story. His behavior is more what I’d expect out of Mikey or Raph. Two, why is he gritting his teeth so much? In nearly every panel, he’s gritting his teeth like a 1990’s antihero. Even so, I enjoyed this tale and would recommend it to any Turtles fan.
“So I did a review of it. Now what? I still have no idea how to free you,” Kirin said.
“I don’t know. I just wanted to see you review a Turtle’s comic without comparing it to the 2003 show,” Textbox replied. Kirin rolled her eyes.
“You mean to tell me you wasted my time?”
“Yep. Pretty much.”
“Why do I want to rescue you again?”
“Because you are a sucker.”
“I thought so. Do you have any idea how I’m going to wake up?”
“I don’t know, slap yourself or something. Do I look like I have all the answers?” Kirin sighed and closed her eyes. When they opened, she was back in her own house. She rolled just as an invisible claw tore open the carpet. The front door burst open and two people, a man and a woman wearing trench coats and fedoras entered. The woman pulled out a gun and shot right at Kirin’s head, but, instead of the inevitable splatter, a creature resembling Bigfoot appeared right before her eyes.
“Holy cr–” Kirin began, but was cut off by a razor sharp claw headed straight toward her head. She ducked and dove for her sword. The man pulled out his gun and aimed at the long armed, brown furred monstrosity. “Wait!” Kirin yelled.
“Wait? Are you insane?” the woman asked. Kirin dodged another slash from the beast.
“This thing, whatever it is, has possessed my friend. I need it alive until I can figure out how to free him,” she explained as she ducked behind the creature.
“You’re friend?” the man asked.
“Well, maybe friend is a strong word. He’s more like an annoying parrot super glued to my shoulder, but he’s grown on me,” she replied as she whacked the creature with the butt of her sword. It crumpled to the ground, unconscious.
“Eli, I’ve never heard of one of these possessing a person before. Maybe we should study it,” the woman said.
“Well, my friend’s not exactly human,” Kirin added.
“What do mean by not exactly human?” the man, Eli, asked.
“He’s the voice in the head of my favorite Marvel character, Deadpool. For some reason, he’s attached himself to me until I stop writing reviews,” she explained. The two looked at Kirin like she was crazy.
After a moment, the man said, “Well…that explains how you took the Graron so well.” He gestured to the unconscious creature.
“Yeah, about that– what the heck is it?” Kirin asked. Eli and the woman glanced at each other.
“Lilly, do you want to explain?” he asked uncomfortably.
“Yeah, I probably should. What’s your name?” she asked.
“Okay, Kirin, this is going to sound really strange–“
“That’s an understatement,” Eli muttered as he tied up the beast.
“As I was saying, there are certain places that attract things from other worlds. It’s our job to catch those things and keep them from hurting other people,” Lilly explained as though she was speaking to a small child.
“So you’re saying that, because the barriers between dimensions are weaker around my house, creatures from said dimensions can hide out here and I’d be none the wiser?” Kirin asked. Lilly nodded. “Okay, I get that. I just don’t understand why you hunt down these creatures.” Lilly glanced at Eli, who was making a point of scanning the creature with what looked to be a flip phone.
“Well–I–we–uh… Eli you want to answer that one?”
“No. Working right now. Got to get finish before the birdwatchers show up.”
“Birdwatchers?” Kirin asked.
“Government agents,” Lilly translated. Kirin nodded.
“Oh…wait, what? The government knows about these, what did you call them? Gargons?”
“Grarons, and as far as we know, they don’t, but better safe than sorry,” Lilly explained.
“You know, if I hadn’t seen what I just saw, I’d call you both crazy, but as far as I know, I’m the crazy one. So, will you please explain to me who you are and what’s going on so I’m on the same page?” Kirin asked, feeling a little exasperated.
“Sorry, how rude of us. I’m Lilly Rorschach and this is Eli Freud.” She gestured to Eli, who was staring intently at the flip phone. “And we’re here because–” The Graron stirred. Eli and Lilly cocked their guns and Kirin held her sword at the ready.
“Be careful,” Eli warned, “These creatures are telekinetic and feed on fear.” The Graron opened its eyes and Kirin held her sword to its neck.
“Now, I know you can talk, so answer me this: how did you possess Textbox and how can I free him?” Kirin asked coolly.
“You are powerless against me. Only I can release him, but I won’t,” it said in Textbox’s voice. Kirin thought for a moment.
“Even if I found a way to send you back to your homeworld?” she offered. The Graron laughed.
“You think I care about about that putrid place?”
“Well, then I suppose we could just kill you. That ought to release her friend,” Eli suggested. The creature laughed again.
“No it won’t. Killing me will also kill your friend,” it replied, seemingly amused at the whole situation.
“He’s probably lying,” Eli muttered, preparing to shoot.
“But what if he isn’t? Do you want another innocent to die because of us?” Lilly asked. Eli paused, then lowered his gun. It was then that Kirin noticed a golden object hidden between the mats of fur.
“What’s this?” she asked, yanking it out of the tangled mass. The object was a small coin that had an owl with a snake in its beak on each side. Eli and Lilly’s faces lit up in surprise.
“Lilly, that’s–” Eli began.
“It’s nothing,” the creature interrupted too quickly. Kirin gave the Graron the grin a spider would give a fly caught in its web.
“Hmmm…it doesn’t seem like nothing. Right now, I have three guesses as to what this coin is: A, the thing that keeps you tethered to this world; B, the thing that allows you to control Textbox; or C, all of the above.” Her voice was dangerously low.
“No. No, it isn’t. It’s nothing. Now give it back,” the Graron exclaimed nervously. Kirin’s spider smile grew bigger.
“If it really is nothing, then you won’t mind if I break it,” she snarled. Kirin set the coin on the ground and sliced it in half with her sword. The Graron shrieked and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. The three stood there, stunned.
“Wow, I was right,” Kirin muttered.
“How…how did you know that would happen,” Lilly asked. Kirin shrugged.
“I didn’t. Lucky guess,” she replied.
“I’ll say,” Eli muttered, scanning the coin with his phone.
“Wait… Textbox? You there?” Kirin yelled into the air.
“Yep. Through the power of deus ex machina, I’m back baby!” Textbox exclaimed, much to the surprise of Eli and Lilly. “So who are the X-Files rejects?” he asked.
“You know, that’s a good question. One that I’ve been trying to get answered myself. So, Lilly, Eli, what are you doing here?”