TMNT: The Haunted Pizza

“It’s a long story,” Lilly said.

“I’ve got time,” Kirin replied, her arms crossed. Textbox cleared his metaphorical throat.

“Actually, you don’t. You have to do a review before the exposition fest,” he explained. Kirin rolled her eyes.

“Really? Right now? But I want answers,” she complained.

“That’s the rules,” Textbox answered cheerfully. Kirin groaned.

“Says who?”

“Says me.”

“Who made you the boss of my blog?” Kirin asked. Lilly and Eli slowly began to back away. “Don’t move a muscle. We’re not finished here,” she told them.

“But first you do a review. Otherwise I’ll keep pestering you.” Kirin sighed.

“Fine.” She turned to the trench coat wearing couple. “I’ll be right back.” Kirin grabbed the first comic she saw and scanned over it.

Hello, I’m a unicorn. This comic is very good. Happy?

No. You need to do an actual review.

Fine. I’ll be frank, this is a weird one. An evil, alien, sentient fungus that had wiped out the dinosaurs is accidentally made into cheese 65 million years later and just so happens to be put on a pizza that the Turtles ordered. Seriously.

Um…what were they smoking?

No idea. Anyway, once you get past the bizarre premise, the comic isn’t so bad. Sure, it’s very strange, but there isn’t anything particularly offensive about it. The artwork is decent, the Turtles (for the most part) aren’t idiots and they come up with a clever plan to defeat the cheese monster.  My one question is this: why is the story called the haunted pizza? It’s made explicitly clear that the pizza isn’t possessed by ghosts. It’s made from an alien fungus, so why isn’t it called the Alien Pizza? It would be just as strange a title, and be exactly what it says on the tin. Overall, it’s a fun read for any Turtles fan.

“Are you happy now?” Kirin asked Textbox.

“Yep. Now you can get your answers.”

“Thank you. Lilly, Eli, this is your cue,” she said, turning to the two. She gestured for them to sit down at the kitchen table. Lilly sighed.

“First of all, we’re not of this world,” Lilly began, “We’re from–“

“An alternate dimension?” Kirin guessed. Lilly nodded.

“Yes, we come from a world very different from yours. Compared to our home world, this world is primitive. The guns we used to fight off the Graron, we had to build ourselves. You see, in that world, we were scientists, studying alternate dimensions.”

“So you accidentally ended up on this backwater planet during an experiment gone wrong, and now you’re chasing those monsters in order to find a way home?” Kirin asked.

“Good guess, but wrong. You couldn’t pay us to go back,” Eli replied. “Our world is ruled with an iron fist, and bent on taking over other worlds. The Graron? He’s just the beginning. Our world is amassing an army, and we’re the only two in the way.”

“You mentioned something about letting innocents die. What was that about?” Kirin asked.

“Well,” Lilly answered,”You were right about the fact that we discovered this world accidentally. When we ended up here, we left all of our notes behind. They’re using those notes to send scouts. They probably haven’t figured out how to send in an army yet.”

“But why hasn’t anyone else discovered these scouts?”

“Oh, they have, but just haven’t realized it. Have you watched the news lately?” Eli answered.

“”I’ve been kinda busy with the monster in my closet,” Kirin replied coolly.

“Well, there’s been a rash of disappearances that have baffled the police. All that was found of the victims was a little blood. A lot of the saner ones suggested Bigfoot,” he said. Textbox and Kirin laughed, but stopped after a sharp look from Lilly.

“He’s serious?” Textbox asked. Kirin and Lilly nodded. So, what about that deus ex machina? If you don’t need that coin, why do they?”

“The coin must be how your world monitors the Grarons. If the connection is broken, then they’re sent back home. Eli mentioned that the creature had telepathy, and that’s how he controlled you. I guess that the coin also allowed him to be invisible to us. When Lilly shot the Graron, it must have damaged the coin enough to make it visible,” Kirin suggested.

“Exactly, and there are more where that came from,” Lilly said.

“Okay, one more question. What’s with your names?” she asked.

“Our names are nearly impossible for humans to pronounce. When we arrived, we ended up at a psychiatrists convention. We picked the first two names we saw, and they stuck. Unfortunately, we can no longer stick around. It was a pleasure meeting you,” Lilly said. She and Eli got up and headed for the door.

“Wait, I want to help you,” Kirin said.

“Help us?” Eli echoed incredulously. He glanced at Lilly.

“Well, she did hold her own against the Graron while he was invisible. She could be an asset,” Lilly said.

“So that’s a yes?” Kirin asked.

“It’s a definite maybe,” Eli replied. He tossed her a small device that resembled an old iPod. “If you need help, or see anything strange call us. Otherwise, we’ll call you.” Kirin smiled.

“See you later, and good luck,” she said as they left.

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