Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Hello, I’m a unicorn. PAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!! Every synapses, every thought is filled with the white hot agony! Every part of my soul weeps in misery at this abomination against Ninja Turtles and film. This movie is atrocious, worse than the Spirit! There is no other word to describe it, it is just so bad.

How about terrible, abominable, dreadful, horrible…

I don’t care, Textbox! Let’s just get this over with. There are so many grievances, I’m just going to bullet point them, but first, I’ll start off with the bearable aspects of this film.

The Bearable:

  • Elias Koteas: He was as enjoyable as always, and easily the best part of the movie. Every minute he was on screen was a minute that was at least a little bit less painful.
  • The Fight Scenes: Out of the three live action movies, this had the best action sequences, mainly because, unlike the second film, they got to actually use their weapons. While they wasn’t nearly as gritty and brutal as the first and fourth films, the scenes were a nice reprieve from the rest of the stupidity.
  • Raph and Yoshi: Maybe because I have a soft spot in my heart for kids, but I enjoyed the interactions between a little boy  with anger issue named Yoshi and Raph. It was kind of cute.
  • The Concept: Ninja Turtles versus samurai in feudal Japan? Awesome! This concept could have been really freaking cool except…

The so awful I think my ears are bleeding and my IQ is dropping exponentially:

  • The execution: The plot is so generic that literally anyone could have been in the lead roles no one would be the wiser. The basic plot is that a samurai prince and April O’Neal switch places due to wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff and a magic scepter, so the Turtles rush after her. Hilarity ensues, the Turtles help in a rebellion against an evil Daimyo and mustache twirling British trader, and the typical time travel shenanigans occur. This is one of the more frustrating aspects of the film. The Turtles are no strangers to time travel, they even have an ally who is an apprentice time traveler/part time valley girl named Renee, and one of their biggest villains is Savanti Romero, who is basically a goat creature wannabe Time Lord. The movie even had the time scepter, which allows the heroes and villains to travel through time. Wouldn’t it have been cool if these Renee and Romero showed up? Or if they didn’t want that, why not explore the origins of the Foot Clan? That would have been fascinating, but nope! All we got was a generic and time travel plot, which would have been fine with the right amount of humor and clever dialogue, but…
  • The Humor is painful: There was not a single joke that made me laugh, which is sad because they tried, they really tried. Every time of dialogue for the Turtles was a joke or pop culture reference, but they didn’t fall flat, they were dropped from an airplane and run over by a steam roller. Basically, take every corny, dated joke from the first movie, and take away any of the clever humor and heartwarming dialogue between the brothers, and that’s every agonizing spoken line in this movie. Lame jokes would have been tolerable, if they knew when to shut up, but no. Nearly every moment they were on screen, they were talking with no sign shutting up and letting the audience just absorb the moment or enjoy a fight scene. They just kept talking until I was begging for a minute of reprieve from the stupidity.
  • The Costumes: Do you remember how awesome the costumes were in the first movie? How they looked like actual living creatures and not puppets? Well, here are your nightmares for the week:

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! These abominations owned by New Line Cinema

    At many points in the movie, you can even see the seams where the head attaches to the neck. Also, the Splinter puppet was only seen from the waist up and was just awful. But one of the most irritating parts is that the lips don’t match up to what they’re saying, so I kept imagining that they had just dubbed over the good jokes in post production. *Sigh*

  • The Time Travel Physics Make No Sense: Okay, so the rules are that to travel through time, there has to be an equal amount of matter displaced, and the travelers switch clothes when they arrive in the different time periods, but then they go around and break those rules willy nilly. I’m pretty sure that April and the samurai prince have different body masses, and for whatever reason, April was allowed to bring her walk man along, which breaks the two rules set in the movie. It’s the same with the Turtles, Mikey is the only one to put on pants, so only one of the replacement samurai arrives in pants, but the rest arrive in that undergarments that they were already wearing. What? Also, I’m pretty sure that, once again, the Turtles and samurai tourists also have differing body masses. There was another stupid rule that they had sixty hours to find April or else they’d be stuck there forever, because of timey wimey stuff and I don’t get why the rule was put into place because it never comes into play.

Overall, avoid this movie like the plague. The few decent parts are overshadowed by the agony of everything else. If you want to see a good Ninja Turtles movie, check out the first one, or next week’s movie. All I can hope is that this is the lowest of the low, and we can only get better from here.

What about Next Mutation?

What Next Mutation? I’ve never heard of that.

You mentioned it in your last post, and tweeted about it as you watched an episode.

Look, Textbox, the first rule of Next Mutation is that no one talks about Next Mutation. It. Never. Existed. Anyway, what are you waiting for, check out one of the good Ninja Turtles comics, movies, or TV shows, just avoid this mess of a movie.

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